Why is everything that I really want also something that is likely to kill me?

As a kid, I loved chocolate milkshakes. I could go for about three a day. If chocolate shakes were good for you, I’d have grown up the healthiest kid of all-time, but chocolate shakes aren’t good for you. Broccoli is. And I fucking hated broccoli. Still do hate it.

I discovered video games in the eighties, when Atari came out. I was the Space Invader champion of the freaking Universe. But then we were told that video games made us lethargic and lazy and were fattening the children of America, so my parents made me cut down my Atari playing from about eight hours a day too about two. And you really can’t dominate the Space Invader Universe in only two hours a day.

If there is a God, why did he make the world this way? Is it to test our will power- do we need to prove, while here on earth, that we have discipline of some sort so that we can qualify to be in some kind of heavenly military?

Or is God a sadist? Or just a prankster? Is he sitting up there, on his big fluffy cloud, behind his golden gate, just having a good ole’ laugh at us as we fight our urge for that fifth cup of coffee?

It’s really late, and I’m tired, so I’m going to spit this out quick, but I do want you to read it, and if you are God, or if you talk to him regularly, then I want you to ask him about all this, and I expect some answers.

As a pre-teen, I loved making love to myself. Was addicted to it. Couldn’t get enough of it. Then, in CCD (Catholic Sunday school), I was told that I would go to hell for this… And I believed it. But I couldn’t stop, because I loved it so much. I was also told that God would forgive any sin if you asked him too, so I became a chronic masturbating-prayer.

The teen years came and I discovered tobacco. I’m from eastern PA, we aren’t rednecks there, but we weren’t exactly city folk either. I wasn’t smoking, but I was dipping. And I loved it. More than chocolate shakes, but not as much as making love to myself.

Then my parents found my tin in my room, punished the hell out of me, then spent days educating me on the dangers of tobacco: cancer, gum disease, halitosis. The first two didn’t scare me much, but the halitosis did. I mean, I had just kissed my first girl weeks ago, and that girl, whom shall remain nameless, never kissed me again. I became insanely paranoid that it was because I had halitosis. I quit chewing tobacco for the rest of high school, but in college it started again, and then my gums started receding.

Alcohol- the fuel of life for every college student. I was drunk five days a week. So we’re all my friends. I can’t remember too many important discussions we had, because we were always so drunk, but I do remember many of the girls I got to see naked, whom were also drunk. So alcohol helps you see girls naked- that makes it a good thing- right?

Wrong- alcohol kills brain cells, dehydrates you and makes you sick the next day, and reduces inhibitions (the reasons college girls love it and the reason college guys like girls who love it), which leads to uninhibited behavior, which is fun, but can get you killed.

Because of my borderline alcoholism I became a coffee/ no-doz addict. Seven cups a morning and no-doz all day long. It was the only way to stay awake for any classes that I decided to go to. And this was a Catholic school, and we didn’t know anything about cocaine, so no-doz was a great drug to mix with alcohol to keep the party going all night long.

I can’t even begin to tell you what that does to your heart.

Then, we discover the joys of pot. Pot makes everything better. Food tastes better, songs sound better, your friends jokes are funnier, you become smarter, and most importantly- sex is phenomenal. But of course, we can’t have this one joy. Pot makes you lazy, gives you the munchies so you eat things that will kill you, makes you unable to cerebrate on anything important, and makes you relatively completely non-functional in society.

We love these things- yet all of them will kill us.

Sex- what is better than sex? Yet if you do it with the wrong person, and you have ineffective protection, or you’ve imbibed in a mind altering substance and are uninhibited, then you can catch crabs, or gonorrhea, or the clap, or the HIV. What kind of sick fucking twist on life is this?

Sex, the greatest pleasure in all our lives, the very thing that we need to do so that the human race can continue to evolve, is something that can also start a pandemic and wipe out half of Africa, a large portion of our gays, and our celebrities who live wild lifestyles. How is this fair?

Then there’s the hardcore drugs. I’m not going to get into them, but let’s just say that I’m a very curious person. I’m a knowledge seeker, and an experience junky. So, I’ve tried things. And they’re fun. Some of them more so than others, but they are all really fun. And they all make you feel really great. But God couldn’t just make them like that, could he? Not only do they make you feel insanely good, but they also rework the wiring of your brain and you end up becoming the equivalent of a neurotic schizophrenic squirrel. All you can think about all day is getting your next nut. And all day long you are constantly on edge, nervous, darting into a dark corner to hide when you notice even the slightest of movement by a surrounding human… So, in other words, you can try these things, but only try them- do those more than once in a great while and you’ve ruined your life. That’s messed up. Why can’t drugs be healthy? Why can’t they be like vitamins?

I mean, something that feels as good as sex and makes your body feel as good as opium and tastes as good as a chocolate milkshake- these are the things that if God were fair- would be nutritious and healthy and necessary for our bodies. Were we living in a fair world then these things would be the fuel that makes us go, the FDA would recommend eight servings of oral sex, four servings of hash, and six glasses of chocolate shakes a day.

I’m becoming a Dad, so I’m straightening out all my shit. I’ve given up alcohol, I’ve cut back on my coffee, I’m exercising and doing Yoga for my back so that I can take less pain pills and eventually get off them altogether. I’m eating vegetables, have cut out chocolate, and am in the gym trying to pack on some muscle so that I can play basketball with my boy in eight years. Still, all this shit depresses me. I can’t even have a cigarette anymore without feeling guilty about it.

Last week, I started drinking diet Pepsi. Why? I don’t know- it tastes good and when you have nothing else in your system it gives you a little kick, a minor pep, helps pass the monotony of a work day. I’ve never liked soda my whole life. Never drank it. However, now that I’ve cut out all these other things that I enjoy (even the sex is way down- not by choice), the soda seemed like the only safe option. In just two weeks I went from two diet sodas a day to eight. Now I’m hearing, from all my friends about aspartame, or some drug, in diet soda, that causes early onset Alzheimer’s disease. And that’s exactly, what a guy like me, who needs to put a sticky note on his front door every night to remind him not to leave home without his cell phone, keys, and work binder- because without that sticky note- I would forget those things- and have- so really, this aspartame thing has me worried.

I mean, seriously, God, can’t you just leave us one thing?

Can’t there be one thing that is really freaking great, and really freaking great for you?

Sure, there’s sushi, and I love the shit out of that, but it nearly killed me in Costa Rica.

Sure, there are adventure sports, and the adrenaline rush that comes with them, but as a result I’ve had four major surgeries from the injuries and will be in pain everyday for the rest of my life.

I love surfing, but I’ve nearly broken my neck from it.

I love volleyball, but it kills my back.

I love CHOCOLATE FUCKING MILKSHAKES!

I’ve thought about all this before, but I’ve never really put it into words, but today, learning about aspart-fucing-mang-whatever- it just sort of pushed me over the edge. I threw out the rest of my 36 pack of diet Pepsi in a fit of anger, cursed the heavens, went outside my office, and got in a fist fight with the trash dumpster.

I kicked it’s ass. Badly. And it felt great. And I loved it. And maybe I’ll start doing that everyday. But I’m sure I’ll soon learn that fist fighting with trash dumpsters causes cancer or hemorrhoids, or chronic farting, or something, and I won’t even get to do that anymore.

If there is a God, and if I make it to heaven, I plan on discussing this one with him. I need to know why life is this way.

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Our forefathers built this country on the principle of seperation of church and state. Church was to stay out of politics and politics out of the churches. A deal was struck: churches would not pay taxes, and they would not involve themselves in politics. Now, 200 years later, they still don’t pay taxes, but they’ve done anything but abstain from politics.
Three years ago, I took my future bride to her hometown so that I could meet her Dad. I was blown away by the poverty. People in the Philippines were living, eight wide, in tin shacks. You go “downtown” to the “supermarket” and there is no refrigeration- just raw meat hanging from hooks with flies all over it.
They eat this meat.
We ate this meat.
Then, you go to center square. And in the middle of all this rancid poverty is a fucking PALACE. A gargantuan beautiful church that would inspire awe in most, but for me, just fueled me with anger.
These people have no money, yet their church is rich.
Why?
Because despite the poverty- these Filipino-Catholics tithe 10% of what they do have, so that they don’t burn in hell after death.
The church takes the money and everyone in their community lives like Kings.

Then, there’s America.
We were founded on the principle of a separation of church and state.
And here, people tithe, so they too, can avoid hell.
And I’m fine with that.
What I’m not fine with is the church getting politically active.
They don’t pay taxes.
It’s part of the deal of the separation of church and state. They don’t pay. And they have no say.
But they haven’t kept their end of the deal.
So tax them!
In this economy, we must tax our churches!

“But Matt, think of all the good the churches do with that money, they help so many people.”

Not really.
I work in home health.
I see a lot of churches.
On Sunday’s, when I’m going to see patients, on nearly every church there are homeless people sleeping around outside.
I talk to these people, because people interest me.
They go to churches for help.
Most don’t get it.

So even if the churches were helping (which I know they do some), they still need to be taxed.

Until they zip it- stop funding right-wing whacko politicians for the purpose of fighting gay-marriage, stem cell research, and evil brownskins who are crossing our borders, we need to tax them.

Then, I’d be fine with them spouting off about their politics.

Fair is fair.

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