Target stores usually only carry books that have made it onto the New York Times bestseller list. All around the World, protruding out of one of these shelves is Glenn Beck’s master-crap Arguing with Idiots. The title itself oozes irony, seeing as Beck has proven himself time and time again as the crème de la crop of lame, ridiculous, yes-men imbeciles who have gone that extra mile in making sure nobody thinks outside the tube.

I mean – Jesus! – this guy has switched his position on so many issues, it’s amazing that people still listen to him. The only reason I’ve decided to drag myself out of bed to type out this column is because he makes $23 million dollars a year pumping out mindless nonsense that nobody, not even himself, believes in. And he’s only been on the air for a couple years! So I think to myself, damnit: This propaganda agent must be stopped!

Let’s take a look, for example, at his recent interview in USA Weekend magazine. When asked about Global Warming, Beck says “You’d be an idiot not to notice the temperature change.” Then goes on to say that it’s at least somewhat attributable to humans, which is a One-Hundred-and-Eighty degree turn from everything else he has said before. In the past, Global Warming Debunking has been a focal point of Beck’s show. Now he’s singing a different tune; snuggling up to the polar bears along with Al Gore.

Same thing happened with the FEMA Camps; those clandestine secret prisons being set up for mass internment once martial law is fully implemented (or so they say). Beck first expressed concern and warned cryptically of an impending fascist agenda. “There’s something going on in our Country, that is, it ain’t good,” he says, “I can’t debunk them.” Somewhere between those comments and the next taping of his show, someone – who’s presumed to have a helicopter parked upon the building – approached Glenn and told him that he needed to recant his statements. Beck then got off his knees, hired some guys from Popular Mechanics – who are always the experts on these subjects – and simultaneously dispelled the entire conspiracy, while throwing the rest of the believers, or non-believers, under the bus, and branding them as “nutjobs” or “crazies” or some other epitaph.

We could on and on. The Bailout? Cut, lunatic, go! – “I think the bailout is the right thing to do…The $700 billion dollar’s that your hearing about is not only necessary, it’s also not nearly enough.” As could have been predicted, Beck quickly switched his position once Obama got into office.

This behavior is commonplace. He’s a shill; a Big Government, Big Corporation yes-man who takes his orders from someone of authority.  His words are neo-conservative in nature, but to cover his bases, he calls himself a libertarian. And what does this so-called “libertarian” do to honest politicians, like Ron Paul – the only person in the political marketplace deserving of that title? He demonizes him and his supporters. His commanding officers in the FOX Deathstar demand that he repudiate everything Dr. Paul has to say, and he does just that; tagging them as “domestic terrorists” or that they’re “taking revolution a bit too literally.” I wonder if Janet Napolitano had sent that memo over to Rupert Murdoch’s desk personally.

I have only one conclusion: Glenn Beck is a Reploid. That’s right: He’s a robot with sophisticated bio-flesh fashioned over him. Every morning he’s taken out of the charging booth, located in the FOX basement, and is then programmed the entire show into his robotic brain. That’s why his policies and commentary contradict eachother on a regular basis. It also explains why he’s not at all embarrassed to get up there and do his little song and dance, Viking Helmet and all. I’m serious; if he isn’t a Reploid, then I don’t know what to make of him. Doesn’t he go home at night and look at himself in the mirror? Is there no shame? Is there no self-reflection? Does he ever think to himself “Is this how corrupt cops feel when they sell their partners out for dope money?” Nah, he’s a Robot – there’s no way anybody is that absent from the real world.

But isn’t there a better name for androids like him? James Cameron had his T-whatever models. George Lucas had C-3PO. Of course there’s Short-Circuit. Ah – I’ve got it! – we’ll call him “Flip-Flop.” There’s a name that perfectly suits his behavior. Everytime he’s on T.V. we can just say, “Oh that’s just Flip-Flop, don’t mind him, he’s not real.” And it would be true.